What's a friend? No, I'm not joking, really. What is a friend?
I'm seriously starting to think I might not be such a good friend after all. Seeing how I'm "losing" friends all the time and just.. I know. I'm the one pushing them away, but still. I don't miss them, but seeing how new "friends" just seem to ignore me doesn't help my confidence by much. Also I'm still wondering if I even deserve some friends. Or if they deserve me? Haha. Not really. That doesn't have anything to do with it.
But... Yeah. Seriously? I guess I'm not a good friend after all. If I was, people would like me, right? They would ilke to talk to me, like me... as a friend. But they don't. I mean, sure, some people do but not the ones I Want to like me. Yes, her.
I just want to be special to her, you know? But it's... it's impossible. Obviously it is. No matter what we argue about she's asking if I want to be deleted... just like that. It's like... she could just stop talking to me and that's it. While I... on the other hand would never be able to let go. But still I'm just another name on her friendslist. I keep on telling myself that it's not like that. That she's... just pretending to be strong, you know? That she... actually does care about me and.. that I *am* somewhat... special to her. Thinking about everything we've been through I want it to be that way but...
Just once... would it be too much to ask for? That she just once... let that guard down and didn't care about pride but just... told me? If I... just am another name on her friendslist and that she would be able to forget me like that... or that she might actually like me? Love me as a friend even.
That thing, she said today. About ... that she didn't *want* to be someone's sister... sure. We're not bloodrelated or anything but... it hurt. Pretty damn much.
But I guess, I should just act like normal... or something. Be happy, smile, genki, joke around... I'll just continue being another name on the friendslist.