bah. does it make any diffrence? Not really. Doesnt matter whatever I do. everything turns out to be my fault anyhow. even if it's not, it is. right? whatever I do it's my fault. Right? Isn't it so? It's my fault... wouldnt surprise me if it became my fault for snowing too.
Saturday... im supposed to go home to parents house. Cause Mimmi turns 3... and I really want to be there... but right now, every fuckin' person (with a "voice") in that house hates me, so what do I do? I dunno. I talk.. and get support from Piing-Imouto... and it helps alot, really.. thanks. And I feel how im driving further and further away from my family. it feels great. for example, i wasnt there when Mattias turned 12... and 12 is a kind of special age... acc. to me, and I wasnt there. Because of a fight. It just felt... great, i swear. I wasn't there when Sabina turned 5 either... nor when Malin turned 10.. and I bought... some gifts for Mimmi now, and I really wanna be there when she opens them, but... i dunno... Never realized that family would mean this much to me... really. It's... I dunno. Having that fight on the phone, once again hearing all the bad things I am. I've no sense at all, I'm stupid. I don't know how to handle any money, and I only live on others.. and I use people, and so on and on... I should take care of myself and make it through Gymnasiet. I should graduate cause I will never do that if I keep this up... and my grades sucks, but hey I got an A in Mandarin, but what diffrence does it make if I can't get an A in the "important" subjects? Huh? Exactly. Doesn't matter at all...
Yay, i'm so happy and i love my life. I swear I do. I mean, yay. Love is workin' for me, that's all that matters, right? So just because love works I'm happy and I have a lovely wonderful life, right?
Right. That love doesnt keep me from having nightmares u know. Doesnt keep me from cutting or crying. And I'm still feeling damn worthless. So sorry, I'm not happy at that point.
For a while I even fooled myself. I believed I was finally happy, but then of course. this had to happen. I mean, the nightmares and flashbacks and cutting... that's a part of my day. Nothing bad nor good, well, I thought so. Now, waking up, I realize. Duh. It's bad. And so is everything else I do, right? Nothing is good enough. I should just change my whole damn personality to make everyone happy, shouldnt I? But I won't do that. Ok? Atleast I have "pride" enough so that I won't do anything like that. But then I guess, I will keep on doing this. Pissing people off, making them curse and just make me even more depressed, and making me feel guilty, huh? That's what people do best - Hurting me. Amazing.