and now im back to depression again. the headache will make my head explode, the loneliness will make me go mad, and the feeling of being stalked would make anyone feel insecure, right? im not really mad... for real, am i? or...? is it weird of me, feeling like this? i have the curtains covering my windows, no windows are open and im checking the door every 2nd minute. no, im not paranoid.
i just feel like if im stalked. its scary. i sleep with the bathroom door open so that its not pitchblack, and i fall asleep with the radio on. i cant stand silence for too long, and as soon as its quiet i hear things. yet, im not paranoid.
i never asked for pity and i never asked for help. people just told me how bad they feel for me and my life, and that i have had a terrible childhood. whatever i say. people sent me to doctors and so, but did it help? oh no. it just made me more depressed and more insecure, i started eating pills and im doing it still. suicidal thoughts. but im not paranoid.
what is my greatest wish? more or less to become a flower. i want to be pure, and careless. i want to dance to the wind and feel connected to the earth. i want to be a flower without any problems, without being stalked, without personality, without a soul... all alone. i want to be beautiful in other peoples eyes, and i want to be appreciated by people around me... and i want to live in harmony. without any problems.
just now i turned the music off, and i cant escape the feeling that someone is outside my house... its scary, and im alone. yet something tells me that its just my imagination. but i can hear sounds outside like someones walking. what should i do? am i too paranoid?
the headache is taking me into its world and i cant think straight much longer. the fear or being alone in the night, it takes me deeper into the black hole of fright. am i pathetic, writing like this, or is it understandable that loneliness... does this to do?
i dont know what to say. keep hearing voices inside my head. one saying things that is no longer true, another telling stuff that is not important to you. i dont know what to do anymore, i think im running insane, it feels like im losing my mind forever more.
dont come here... dont come closer... i dont want to feel... anyone near me. im said to be a negative person, a mean friend, an evil being. i dont want to hurt people, i dont want to suffer. yet i feel like if im going down there... Again. what did i do to deserve this kind of thinking and imagination... for nothing, today? im afraid of falling asleep tonight, what if a window will break or so... even if im a meter or two from the ground, it's rather scary... hearing sounds outside.
im making no sense, i dont demand you to understand, yet i want to be understood by someone that i trust. who do i trust? but yet... im not paranoid.