Being in school and always smiling, having a good face. It hurts so much. I bought a diary today, a black leather-ed diary that I will use to write in, in real life... maybe that's what I need? I don't know, writing here doesn't make things go away anyhow. I don't know what to write and when I get these moments, when I write out all the anger and sadness it just doesn't seem to be good. I don't know... it hurts.
It hurts to breath. It hurts to talk. I don't wanna talk, I don't know what I want really. But it hurts. It hurts too damn much. And I have no idea what to do to ease the pain. I don't know what it is that hurts either. I need to drink. I need some water, I'm gettin' hungry. I actually had some carrots in school today, when the food was blah. But still. I don't like carrots, but it contains vitamines and I need it.
Right now I'm feeling very vulnerable at this moment. I don't know what but I do. And it's not a pleasant feeling. However I don't know what to do to get rid of it, and I'm too weak to try to get rid of it aswell.
I cried myself to sleep last night. It might have been only because I was tired and out of strength that the feelings became stronger and I felt totally alone, but it wasn't an act. I was, and I am alone. Not without any friends, cause I know I have friends, but that's not the point in this case. It's not about friends this time, it's much deeper than that, and I will not enter that subject in this entry.
But speaking of friends makes me think of how it used to be a couple of years ago. Back then I had friends and I was really happy having them too. Yes, we had our disagreements, but still I had a lovely time. And that lasted 'till just a few months ago. I ruined it, and I'm fighting to make the puzzle whole again. I'm still missing a few pieces.
Just now, S.Y dragged me to the cafeteria... she had to get some lunch. I had a glass of water. We had a "deep" talk... and I understand, of course I do. She knows too. And that's the thing. She knows, that's what hurts. She can't see why, but still... she knows. And it hurts. But I'm getting used to it. Everything hurts, in the end.